Secret Baby Notes: background history
This week I am sharing some posts that I saved as drafts about being pregnant. I call them “Secret Baby Notes” because I wrote most of them before we shared our news with the world. I wrote all of them quickly and never read them again until recently – boy, am I so glad I took the time to record those thoughts as I will cherish each of them forever. I hope you enjoy them.
***Originally written on January 3, 2011***
Be by A.C. Ping
I sat in the car while Dan ran in to the store. I scrolled through the October and November calendars on my phone to count back days/weeks. The weeks added up and I began to think about the ovulation tests I tried during November. It was fun to understand why my blood sugars were up then down and then up again based on my cycle. I also found the mid-cycle surge interesting and had nearly convinced myself that we were pregnant in November. But early on Thanksgiving day I started and I was a little crushed knowing that another month would be passing with no news.
To say that we were trying is a little misleading. Dan and I have been married for 6 1/2 years and until about the 6 year mark, Dan was not on board the baby boat. His famous quote about babies sums up his feelings, I only have two fears in life: kidney stones and kids. He doesn’t hate children, he is just more scared silly of the commitment and the whole being responsible for another human being thing. He also always says there is no return policy for kids. And as for me, until recently I had been more than okay on the married with no kids yet side of life. I had a lot of hesitation jumping into the kids category for a lot of reasons namely diabetes and a little bit of just figuring out who I am and how to be successfully married because marriage can be hard work. All that to say, I have always wanted to be a mom. When I was growing up I always had baby dolls, I always played day care, I always volunteered in the nursery.
Recently Dan and I went on a trip to Virginia for our friend’s Ben and Shanna’s wedding. On the plane ride back, I settled into an AC Ping book entitled Be and I realized that over the years, my fear of wanting something too much pushed down my desires to be a mom. Don’t get me wrong, I have always longed for that but up until that night, I had buried those feelings from even Dan. So I told him something outloud that I haven’t said to anyone. I told him that everyone has things that they strive and want to achieve. That saying, “What would you do if you knew you could not fail?” has always held merit in my life but at that moment, I realized the thing I always wanted most was to be a mom. And from then on, everything changed.
We had already stopped preventing pregnancy in June and were casually easing into the idea that we could see ourselves as parents. We talked about the future and how that could work and what it would look like if I got pregnant. The idea grew more and more and Dan got more comfortable with the thought of being a dad. Meanwhile, I had already crossed over to the wanting/ready stage and I just hoped Dan would come around sooner than later. So after our honest conversation about wanting to have a baby, Dan let me know that if being a mom was important to me, it was also important to him.
I had deep dark fears that we would struggle to get pregnant. Several years ago, a doctor told me that I had symptoms of Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). I have never really had regular cycles and sometimes could go months without having a period. I was worried.
***Stay tuned for the next “Secret Baby Notes: THE news!”***